So it happens every time my babies get to the 8-9 month stage and are on a more reasonable schedule (and mostly sleeping through the night). I start to feel more human again. I start to feel like super mom. I start to feel like I can actually do this thing called “motherhood”.
My biggest challenge in motherhood is comparisons. If I compare myself to other mothers, I can always find something that I am not doing as well as they are. This is an aspect of my personality that is extremely helpful, and extremely frustrating. Its helpful because I always know ways I can improve and ways I can work towards them. But its frustrating and exhausting because its only a stone’s throw from feeling like I’ll never be good enough.
When the truth is, I AM good enough. I AM the mother that Jaylee and Jaxton need. I DO get down on their level and play with them. I DO make them feel loved and valued every day. If they had to choose right now between me and another mommy, I’m totally sure they’d choose me.
Every time Jaxton hears my voice and turns to find me, I know he would choose me. Every time Jaylee comes running over to tell me the new most important thing she’s just found (“What happened to red?”), I know she’s choosing me because she knows I’ll listen. My children would choose me, and I choose them every minute of every day.
So if I’m not the best at cooking homemade organic meals, that’s ok. If I can’t seem to keep my floors clean to my pre-babies standard, that’s ok. If Jax just put wood chips in his mouth because I was busy pushing Jaylee on the swing, that’s ok. If Jaylee watches a bit too much on her Kindle because I’m blowing raspberries on Jax’s stomach, that’s ok. If I’m not boiling pacifiers and sanitizing the world during flu season, that’s ok. If the laundry begins to take over the house, that’s ok.
I once read that every mother is in the process of a crazy three-ring-circus juggling act with a ton of balls up in the air. Its not possible to have full control of every ball at all times – some will be rising and some will be falling, and some may even be laying discarded on the ground. So if you see a mom who looks like she is masterfully managing one of her many juggling balls, you can be sure there are other balls lying neglected somewhere on the floor. And that’s ok. This is a crazy and beautiful season of life, and its ok if some things have to fall by the wayside to make room for others. Don’t judge your whole beautiful mess based on just the picture-perfect parts that someone else is presenting.
And that’s the new balance I’m striving to achieve. Pushing myself to be a better person, mother, teacher, wife, and friend. While also accepting grace.
Life is beautiful.